I realized today that the reason I spent the night “being uncomfortable” in close proximity to the toilet is that I can’t deal with being “The Mom.” (If I knew how to do that registered trademark thing, I’d put it there, because it sure feels like being branded, or something.)

I can tell you the date this malady started; August 30th, 2008. That was the day, after the trauma of sending my Daughter off on the 5-day backpacking trip, the first time with no communication since she was conceived, that I quit wandering around talking to myself, stopped being confused and disoriented and started, you know, living.

The problem with this is that Daughter has some issues, and will never really be functioning independently. I’ve been trying to get people to step into the fray, help get her out of her own little world and into this one, and it’s not happening, unless I pitch her out into the snow with no tent. Yeah, right.

And in a moment of weakness I let Stupidhead back in with his issues, one of which is obsessively calling me, and if I don’t call him back, deciding to fret that I’ve lost control of my car (being as how I am incapacitated with whatever). Can you say “control issues?” I thought you could.

(I wonder what qualifications there are for running away and joining the circus? Another concept that Daughter just doesn’t get. Very lonely, I am sometimes.)

I suspect this was going somewhere, but I didn’t get much sleep last night and I forget. The bathroom is too small to sprawl out in.

I guess the point of it is courage. It’s taken me months to suck it up enough to admit that I am “unwomanly,” and really want my own life back. The next chunk of courage is going to be, telling these people to quit sucking the life out of me, and get their own. I talk tough, but I’m really weak-kneed about confrontation. That’s why people call me nice.

But on the plus side, Stupidhead sent me a link to some pictures of the stars and the planets. One of the pictures was of Arcturus, and the phrase, “Arc to Arcturus” jumped into my head. So I googled it and found this blogpost,(and yes, the blog itself seems interesting) and ended up ordering the book he mentions from the library on CD. I’ve discovered that staying awake driving is becoming an issue; maybe having someone talk about random deep things will help. Singing along to old Beatles at the top of my lungs is a lot of fun though, and will probably remain my fallback technique. Daughter’s mix CD’s are good, too. Sometimes it’s a test; will I have the strength to make it through this coming pop tune?

But now I know what I’m really trying to do. That should make the drive a little better every day. That, and the fact that it’s starting to show daylight a little past half-way. I can do this.

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