So. Of those relationships that I considered a given, many have disappeared in the last five years, and for the better. Still, I’ve felt even more orphaned than normal, with a high base-level feeling of “you freak.”

I graduated from college in 2014 (GO TEAM!), and began rebuilding me, my self image, my own story. As one does. Got the job at the gallery, gave up a job that was going to give me a heart attack, generally did the “no, don’t do that stupid stuff anymore” thing.

Working at the gallery, NICE people omg nice, sanity/balance coming back, yada yada.

We were eating lunch yesterday at work. A person peeled and segmented an orange to share, which we did, and then another person picked up a piece of peel and ate it.

SERIOUSLY I DID NOT KNOW THAT ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD DID THAT I AM NOT ALONE!

And then last night some of us went to see “Loving Vincent,” and the person sitting next to me quietly sang along to the closing music, “Starry Starry Night,” and I realized I was home.

So there! ten years of my life that sucked. You lose.

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Furrows in the sky, planting snow.

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An article in the Jan. 8th edition, titled “Been There; The presidential election of 1968”, pg. 75 –

Wallace won just three per cent of the vote in Massachusetts, but his act played well across much of the country, where he spoke to boisterously enthusiastic audiences. After a rally at Madison Square Garden, supporters marched out chanting “White Supremacy!” People told reporters that they admired him because “he says what he thinks.”

49 years ago. Huh.

Daughter melted down today over a Newsweek article talking about World War III. She didn’t want to hear about the big body of fresh water, or our continuing support of local food production. So I sucked it up and said that I thought it was less likely these days than it had been.

So, I’ve been in the art cave doing things, but nothing actually productive – for quite a while. I set up a journal for down there, to record showing up and doing anything, and how I feel afterwards – which is consistently better than when I went down. I managed to not destroy things just because I was foundering in the slew of despair. I think that’s a positive. And I’ve convinced my amaryllis to grow! That was a big thing. I’ve wanted one for years, but never felt like I deserved one or something. So I told Daughter that that was what I wanted for xmas, and sent her a link to a fancy-pants place – and then she bought one at Walmart. It had sprouted, but the tips were purple-ish, and it Did Not Grow. I was convinced I was evil and that I didn’t deserve an amaryllis.

And then I went online and found an article saying they need bottom heat to get going. I put it on the furnace, and then had to call maintenance to look at the furnace. And like always, the first thing Bob did was take all the stuff off the furnace and hot water heater. Patience, the man has. I told  him at least none of it was flammable this time. So they left and I put it back on, and measured it, and the tip was twice as big as before and a new tip was emerging! So now it’s sitting precariously in the sun in my bedroom, waiting for an intense cat to knock it off the shelf.

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Drawing hippos. Pleasantly weird. I do not understand.

Have a good day!

There is some talk about a massive demonstration in favor of impeachment.

 

On a totally unrelated note; Is this yarn suitable for this hat? Asking for a friend.

I also might need to find an eye-roll video to automatically attach to anything I type ever again. Because eye roll.

So. For the third time in three weeks, somebody went on (well, really, “off”) about “back on the savannah, chimps had to . . . ” whatever trash activity that the person in question was trying to minimize. The first behavior on the block was road rage. Yes. People have road rage because back on the savannah you had to destroy (by flame-thrower or thermonuclear device) that other ape WHO DARED MAKE A MOVE ON YOUR MATE YES THAT MAN ACTUALLY USED THAT AS A LIFE-THREATENING EXISTENTIAL EVENT BECAUSE MALE AND THAT IS WHY HE HAS ROAD RAGE IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

The second event was a character – a main character! in a book by one of my favorite authors ever! was all “back on the savannah women 7/10 ratio hips and waist and femur length and so of course she was the woman of his dreams. I wept bitter fucking tears. Even my favorite author! My life is ruined. Back on the savannah, this would be a cause for ritual suicide. Oh, wait! This means I can go track the author down and??? ask him how he mistook his dick for his brain? (yes I edited that) Maybe it’s age-related dementia.

Third event was on facebook right after Matt Lauer getting canned and trump being the fuck out of his mind and this – you guessed it – guy asked why OP was so surprised about Lauer because back on the savannah. And then he topped it off with a dose of Genghis Khan.

I started with quiet dignity; a simple, tasteful “oh fuck yourself.” Then I thought better and deleted it. And then I thought better again. No horses were involved. Obviously I showed restraint.

Just so you know, I don’t think they used shoes back on the savannah. I think if we can adapt to that, we can oh you know NOT. ABUSE. POWER.

Also, I think I had better start drinking.

I think I need to go apologize to an innocent bystander about something. Just tired of excuses. Or just tired. Oh, wait. “Back on the savannah…”

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So, chopping up a pumpkin to roast to make pie out of. Many interesting things.

If you rinse the innards, they are less slippery, which is totally a game changer in this houseful of people that DO NOT LIKE SLIMEY THINGS.

And here comes a memory! One specific Halloween, carving pumpkins, and Dad spreading them out to dry, and then roasting them. I think it only happened once, but maybe it was just the first time, that stuck in my head. I think probably ’61, ’62. My dad was suppressed in our household. Mom didn’t like sauerkraut, so Dad never got to have it, except that time he went to the grocery store and bought a can of sauerkraut and a polish sausage and made his own damn dinner like a grown-up.

Family dynamics! Suppressing things till you blow up! No wonder.

Anyway. One last little piece of pumpkin that didn’t fit into the two pans, so I microwaved it. Pumpkin tastes totally different when it sits there in a bowl all by itself without sugar and spice and everything nice, like a pie crust that is 32% saturated fat by volume.

Tomorrow we turkey. (schedules should not totally block a feast of eating all the things.)

Yep. The current resolution is to pay attention when my brain is screaming at me.

I almost bought a house, to the point where I’m probably going to lose my earnest money.  It is a beautiful house, early 1900’s, wood floors throughout, kitchen in blues and reds with a wonderful refrigerator and stove and a window over the kitchen sink and all the walls downstairs in soft white and upstairs in pale greens and this odd little hall that ends in a window, perfect for a statement plant. It is so beautiful!

In the process, involving much testing and asking for extensions on financing and reports and experts, I was walking around all distracted and having trouble sleeping and going slightly crazy, and not noticing what was running through my head – namely, how the heck are you going to pay for all the repairs this absolutely beautiful house needs? To say nothing about how to arrange furniture in a house that’s all chopped up with (beautiful, huge, tall) windows and oddly placed (omg I love them so much) tall radiators.

So I made the decision to back out. IMMEDIATELY! all the noise in my head and all the weird feeling in my chest Stopped. Silence. Sleep.

So I should pay attention, eh?

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Stolen from Facebook. Amazing, no?

With lightning bugs for eyes.

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Sorry for the bad scan. I don’t have photo processing stuff for now. It began as a normal line drawing, and then the dots took over. It’s better in real life.

Storm! Wind! Biggish branches in yard! Water over the highway! It’s supposed to snow tonight, but the Maple Tree (minus a couple of branches) loses all its leaves 2 days before the first snow. And that hasn’t happened.

I did a B&W thing on Facebook – twice, actually, but I haven’t finished the second round. But I like this one a lot.

IMG_0561 2iPhone, exposed and processed. I might print this one.

It was my birthday a few days ago, but for some reason my cake didn’t happen. I subtly brought the issue up to Daughter by picking up the box and setting it next to her. I frosted it, and had a piece or three last night, and went to bed.

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I got up this morning, made coffee, had a banana, and then started reading the news and went straight to cake for breakfast, and then realized –

I AM SHEETCAKING!!!!

 

And maybe gauge.

I might be buying a house. It is beautiful and shiny. The owners mentioned the asbestos pipes in the condition report, and now I have to move small mountains to get financing. I am superstitious, and think that things that take huge effort and stress to get are probably going to suck, once I get them. But the kitchen! And the windows! And the sun porch! And the town!

And now, because of this sense of doom, I am looking at other houses in this town which is very scary and maybe I’m focusing too much on the negative, but I’m also realizing what level of apprehension I’m at whenever I’m out of the house. But the houses I’m looking at are in better condition and are cheaper, but nowhere’s near as romantic.

I did a couple of small trips today, and flipped off three drivers. I posted and then deleted things on Facebook that were too intense! At which point I decided I might be cooked. But! I also went into a yarn store to buy bamboo needles for a futzy project (mini-mittens for xmas decorations), and walked out with only one random skein of yarn. Balance is everything.

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Out in Theodore Roosevelt National Park, walking the bank of the Little Missouri, I stepped in deep. I was wearing sandals, and in pulling my foot out I yanked the straps right off my sandal. I think I left that sole there.

Anyway, it’s all kind of like pulling my head out of the darkness that seems to be consuming – me? I don’t know, just all that whirring sound that goes on. I should update my blogroll. I should clean the house. I should give you all something else to think about.

I got a reconditioned iPhone 5. As long as I don’t store it head down, it’s brilliant. I got into a 7-day B&W thing on Zuckerberg’s money-maker, and that got me out taking pictures, for which I am very grateful.

 

 

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Picnic table at Cornucopia. We went swimming in the Lake 10 days ago, the latest in the year I’ve gone swimming. Dune restoration area. There’s paths down to the beach that would probably be overgrown in a year, if people quit using them.

I’m not knitting because of a combination of factors; sore hands, don’t-wanna-do-the-next-thing, don’t think I have enough yarn for the other next thing, hey how about weaving? and last but not least – shouldn’t you be doing housework? However, I’m finding stalling to be boring and irritating at the same time. I will start doing things soon.

I’ve watched Wonder Woman 6 times now. It just gets better and better.

Actual conversation I had with myself today:

me: don’t do that, it’s kinda psycho.

me: yeah, but only kinda psycho.

me: Jeez, Kirsten!

So, I didn’t do it.

Can you tell that I’m in an in-between place? Annoying.

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Drawing lines in paint on paper. Very soothing.